Lucas Raziel

[Lucas Raziel]

Name: Lucas Raziel

Age:23

Designation:

Height: 7ft 8
Hair Color: Black

Physical Description: An exceptionally speedy Marine, Lucas uses his speed to destroy his enemies in close combat. A tall and clean shaved marine, Lucas' face is otherwise not scarred, except for a scar which starts just above his right eye brow, and goes down to his cheekbone. he has medium length black hair, which he also has been known to grow into a pony-tail.

Lucas does not appear as muscular as other marines. He is described by non-Astartes as handsome. his most striking feature is his piercing blue eyes, which gleam in the light like sapphires. Lucas is pale, but still appears slightly tanned. his black hair, like his eyes, gleam in light. Around his neck on a chain is his dead father's ring, which he found before he was inducted. Lucas has several scars on his arms and chest. He has the Aquila tattooed on top of is back. his nose is slightly hooked.

Personality:
Silent, Calm and straight to the point. When he thought, he often traces the scar down his right eye. Known to be Stubborn, Lucas will try to protect his fellow brothers with all of his power. Many look up to Lucas, and he has inspired marines in the most deadly of circumstances.

A strategist and a skilled fighter, Lucas only retreats when there is no chance of victory, Lucas remains optimistic despite the darkness that surrounds the Imperium. He is a true stalwart hero of his chapter never failing to complete tasks given to him.

Armour:
Scout Armour
- Left/Right Eye-HUD w/ Image Enhancement
- Live-Feed Tactical Pict-Caster
- InterSquad Vox Link
- Orbital Data Feed
- In-Field First-Aid System (Antiseptic/Liquid Painkiller Delivery)
- Waste Reclamation and Hydration System

Weapons:
Sniper Rifle
Combat Knife
Frag Grenades
Krak Grenades

Standard Scout Equipment
- Personal Dataslate
- Rebreather Mask w/ 6 Hour Air Supply
- Dust Goggles / UV Protected, Non-Reflective Surface
- Position Marking Vox Beacons
- ChemLights
- Combat Rations
- FlexSteel Cord (100 ft) w/ Arrestor Gear and Mag-Grapple
- Grenade Bandolier
* 4x Frag
* 4x Krak
- Ammunition Pouches
10x Straight

History:
Inducted at 14, Lucas was close to death when found. Lucas lived on a normal agricultural world called Malvias IV, until it had an uprising of chaos cultists. They ran rampage across the world, aided by a few night lords chaos space marines. when they attacked the settlement Lucas lived in, instead of fleeing, he stood and fought against the cultists, using nothing but a woodcutting Axe. When the Omega Marines came to relieve the world, Lucas was found lying unconscious, with the bodies of five dead cultists surrounding him.

Lucas was taken in by the Marines, and within two weeks he was back in shape. Instantly, Lucas started training to become a marine. in all the training exercises, Lucas done well in, especially in close combat. Eventually, Lucas made it into The Omega Marines.

As a Scout, Lucas excelled in assassinating targets with a combat knife or combat blade. for these reasons, many of his mission involved taking out HVTs. When he reached the age of 23, Lucas was turned into a full Space Marine.

Sample RP:
Lucas grabbed hold of the handles inside the belly of the thunderhawk as it began it's shaking descent onto the Landing Pads outside Hive Corvesus. Lucas snarled, the shaking of the ship getting to nerves
His anger did not last long however, as he looked out of a viewing port, and spotted a huge number of other Thunderhawks dropping in beside him. The roar of further engines alerted his fellow brother, who joined him, staring out with a look of shock on their faces.
"This World has been ravaged.... The Emperor protect the souls still living" muttered Brother Yurkon. Lucas looked at him.
Believe in me Brother when i say, the souls who died here today will be avenged, will be protected. This, i swear now."

The ramp on the transport wasn't even touching the ground as the Squad jumped out. Lucas followed his squad, and they sprinted for a ruined building nearby. As he ran, Sergeant Axyrus ordered Lucas to vox the city. Lucas tapped his vox and started sending out a general message towards the Hive. "This is Lucas Raziel of the Omega Marines, calling any friendlies. Do any friendly Space Marine units inside the Hive read me?"
The Answer was static. quickly, Lucas re channeled the vox. Thats when he heard Joshua calling to him.
"Lucas, Enemies at the Bridge!"
he turned to see lasguns firing at his position. quickly, Lucas rolled cover. The charges flew straight over his head. Quickly, Lucas drew his bolter, and fired into the enemy. a few seconds later, screams of pain came from the Cultists.
"Joshua, Yurkon, give me covering fire, Lucas, Belial, come with me!" shouted Lucas' Sergeant, Nathanial.
While Joshua and Yurkon laid fire at the cultists, Nathanial, Lucas and Belial flanked the building the shots were coming from and stormed it. The first cultist died from a shot to the head. the second, stabbed in the heart by Nathanial, the third killed by a throat cut from Lucas. Out of the corner of his eye, Lucas saw a cultist run for the door, trying to escape. Quickly, Lucas shot him in the leg and walked to where the screaming cultist lay. Lucas grasped him and whispered in his ear,
"Chaos will never take us." with that he plunged his knife deep into the cultists eye, penetrating the brain. Lucas pulled his knife out of the dead cultists head. There still was a lot of work to be done.....




is it possible to be a sniper, yet be good at close combat?

[Julius Quintus]

The writing quality is reasonable (there are few spelling and grammar errors but nothing serious) the problem here is the basic character concept.
Don't take this the wrong way, but your character reads as a superhero not a real person. I know that this is a space marine RP and all marines are superhuman but there are limits.
If you read some of the other accepted bios you see strengths and weaknesses, merits and flaws. They have good points and bad points. Your character is all strengths.
He's the strongest, the fastest, the best shot, the best with a knife, a sword, a banana...

What I'm trying to say is tone it back a bit. Heres what you need to change.

• Re-write your physical description, it needs more details. Try imagining what your guy looks like and then describe him as if you were teaching someone whose never met him how to find him in a crowd.
  
  
• This is where you need the most work. Try and make him a bit more believable. Space Marines may be augmented but their minds and personalities are stilll human. Try thinking of him as an IG stormtrooper rather than a marine, highly skilled but still human. Also try not to use the phrase 'Is Known' so much, it makes the description sound like a series of rumours not a psychological profile. I'd also drop the 'irrational hatred of Night Lords' bit. Astartes hate the traitor legions as a matter of course and if he'd actually met a night lord aged 14 he'd most likely have been killed (or inducted I suppose, they have to recruit from somewhere).
  
  
• I'm a afraid that the twin power swords will have to go, only a senior officer would carry even one power weapon and you'll either be a scout or a tactical brother.
  
  
• The first part of the history is very good but it goes downhill after your induction. You need to rewrite based on your revised personality section. I'd lose/change the 'knifeshot' nickname if I were you, and you should definately drop the bit about killing a Necron tomb lord. One marine hacking his way through a horde of necrons and killing their leader single handed sounds like the plot to Commando not a plausible back story.
  
  
• The Sample RP is generally good but you might want to alter it a little so that Lucas has less of a command role, like I said he'll be a brother or a scout not a sergeant.
  

This is all meant as constructive critisism so please don't take it too hard. Make the changes I've suggested and I'll have another look.

Good luck with the re-write.

[Julius Quintus]

This is much better. Its not perfect but it is a great improvement. Your main problems now are spelling and grammar which can be fixed by running your posts through a spell checker like MS word. That will catch and highlight most of the msitakes.
I don't think you're quite ready for full Brother status yet but I'll happily accept you into the scout squad so you can learn the ropes and in time we'll promote you to full battle-brother.

Bio Accepted with the rank of Scout Novice.

Make sure your screen name and signiture are set like everyone elses by following the instructions here and replace your armour and equipment lists with the scout lists here.

Once thats done you can start role-playing with the other members of the scout squad here. Be sure to read the thread carefully first to make sure you're on the same page as everyone else.

Welcome to the Omega Marines.

PS: I've taken the liberty of editting your age back to 23 so that it fits your place in the company.